This was not an easy post to write, but here we go…..

Since I heard about Chester Benningtons death I have been really sad.  

I think it’s because I grew up with him and loved all the songs he wrote as they spoke to me and how I felt growing up.

It’s like he really related to what I was going through as probably most of us.

Suicide is becoming more and more easy- meaning more people are taking the ‘easy route out of here and not really dealing with what the issues are and if they are trying to dealing with it – it doesn’t happen overnight.

I know this because I was one that wanted to take the easy route out, many times.

Especially when I was driving because it would be so easy to swerve off the road or stand right in front of a train.

I’m not proud to say these things but I can’t help by not saying anything. Not anymore.  Mental awareness is so important to me which is why I have started really opening up and telling people my story.  

 

Somewhere I belong- Linkin Park

And I would get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)

This was me- I got stuck in my head- when you’re in your head you’re dead. It’s true.

We are our own worst enemy in the bad times of our lives.  We get lost inside ourselves and it’s hard to come up to the surface.  We punish ourselves with even more negative because sometimes that the easiest thing to do.  

We feel like we don’t deserve compliments and if we do we’ll say thank you and immediately go back to that dark place because it is who we feel we are.

 

Just stuck, hollow and alone- and the fault is my own, the fault is my own

‘I wanna heal, I wanna feel what the I thought was never real, I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long, erase all the pain, till it’s gone’

 

It’s scary- because you want to heal and feel- but it feels so fake when you are trying to get better and you’re judging yourself because it’s not real. You want to belong to this happiness and gratefulness around you- but you keep sinking in this deep hole.

For me- it took an army to get me out of my place- what I found that started helping is connecting with people and realizing slowly that is okay to feel what I feel.

I started not to feel so alone.

I started talking more about what was going on with me- not to my family at first but to my black sheep family as they like to call it (entrepreneurs) I’ve had over 20 something jobs. I was wondering most the time what was wrong with me because it’s not like I got fired but I was searching for my happiness.

I realized (and not everyone is like this, this is my own story) that I was unemployable- meaning that I see things differently than most people. I’d rather work for myself but doing so is scary shit because the onus is on you.

I didn’t know how to be an entrepreneur, because I do depend on people, especially because I have such LOW confidence to begin with. So how could I have the cake and eat it too.

An ARMY of People.

Opening Up, Telling your story. How are people suppose to know if you don’t talk about it.

Vulnerability has become second to none- No one wants to admit anything anymore.

We are ashamed if we don’t go on a trip every year, live in the big house, or have the granite counter tops.

It’s tough. It’s tough to be perfect. What is perfect?  

I’ve been renting the past couple years because I’ve been investing in my business.

I don’t go out as often as I use too and have been budgeting to make my dreams come true.  Investing in my business so I can be sure that I have all my I’s dotted, T’s crossed.  

Have I felt judged, yes- is it mostly coming from me yes, is there nights I am crying and wishing this was different, yes.  

It has been a tough road to be on but the best road, a growing road, all at the same time.

‘I will never know myself until I do this on my own and I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything til I break away from me. I will break away, I will find my self today.’

 

The past three years of my life have been the best three years of my life.  

I have had to let go of all my demons and face vulnerability, telling my story and investing in myself.

Whether it be seeing a counselor, business coach, energy healer, becoming apart of the Wellness Business Academy and being apart of my black sheep tribe or being apart of Make Your Mark.  

This has saved my life, this has saved my marriage, this has helped me grow into the women that I want to be.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  Nothing has made sense until now.  So if you’re trying to make sense of it all right here and now. I can tell you, it will come.

Be grateful for the little things.  Waking up, going to the gym, the sunshine, stopping and smelling the roses or tulips. I do that on my walks especially when they are in full bloom and in season- taking those moments out for yourself are what is going to start healing those demons inside.

This has been a 20 year battle.  Which is why I know it is hard and you want to give up and you cry because you wonder why you are so different, or things only happen to you. The world is against you etc.  I would chuckle to my self and say it’s because I am a Gazzola. What does that even mean? To me; it meant everything. To the world. They don’t see what you see. Which is why it is good to talk to someone.

If you ever need someone to talk to I am here. All I ask is you talk to someone and start telling your story.

You matter. You just need to believe in it.

Believe in me, believing in you.

Amanda